Saturday, July 10, 2010
He Wants to Spoon...And I Feel Like a Fork
I know it's me and not him, but I can't help wanting it to be him. We are finally in the same state (something that hasn't been consistent since April). Granted, it is not our home state, but it is the same. What is hard, at the moment, is that I probably talked to him more when we were in separate states, than I have since we got here. His phone is broken and his work schedule is the same. He is comfortable to fall asleep, as long as I am sitting next to him, and when we are not acting like an old couple dozing on the couch, I am running around trying to catch up with friends.
I knew it was going to be like this. It is like this every summer. The twenty-hour work days are still the twenty-hour work days and when I look in my rear view mirror, there are still three little faces who depend on me to feed them and keep them busy.
I'm not sure why I feel so differently this year. The romantic buzz about this summer business is no longer all that romantic. It is wearing on both of us, and I just know that something is going to give. Part of me is terrified to put a stick in the spokes of these out-of-control wheels, but I know the crazy ride has to end. I fear we'll all get up from the fall with scrapes and bruises that may take a while to heal.
Dealing with bandages in a full-family transitional recovery still sounds better than what I am trying to do now. I don't want to be the fork in the bed. I can feel my body posture tightening when the couch sleeping moves to the bed for sleep, and I cringe at the idea of spooning like we usually do. I am not in a spooning state of mind. I have some typical women tendencies I guess: when I am not in a good emotional state I guard my physical self too. It is not how I feel about my husband, our marriage, or our life, but I am finding it difficult to soften the prongs into a spoon, and it may take something drastic to balance us out again.