Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I am an awful wife...

Despite my best intentions, I fail so miserably sometimes at being the wife I want to be. My ideal wife is soft-spoken and joyful, patient, kind and slow to anger. I was anything but her today.

I yelled, cried, threw angry comments, insulted, belittled and generally did my very best to make my husband feel bad.

Why did I do that? Something exploded in me and a compilation of stresses, that are not entirely tied to him, came pouring out in the ugliest display of wifeliness (I just made up that word).

I hate her! I hate the woman who comes roaring out from deep within me and I can do nothing to control her presence. I don't even have the blessing of multiple personalities, because if I did, I would at least be able to black out when that evil side of me arrives.

She's getting louder too. I don't know if the stress of our lifestyle has finally gotten the better of me, or if I am keenly aware that we are nearing that mid-life stage, or if I am feeling more and more helpless as our kids grow, but I am grasping at something...anything...that I can control.

And now I am feeling like I can't control her either! She arrived tonight...pretty much out of the blue. After a night of fatiguing dealings with our middle kid, I came downstairs and simply lit into my husband.

Note to self: He never has, didn't tonight, and probably never will be goaded into a fight.

I felt like punching something, or expending some bottled up energy, so instead I went for a sucker punch, and now I am downstairs by myself...self-loathing.

So, how can I possibly claim that I am Growing Through Marriage when what I did tonight did not resemble the behavior of a grown up?

I catalog this because it is indeed part of what being married looks like. I am grateful that it is not a regular part of our life, but I am not going to pretend that it is not a part of what it means to be married. I didn't fight fair tonight, and I intend to make the appropriate apologies and work even harder at resolving my emotional issues in a more productive manner. (crap-that didn't sound too genuine...way too clinical) I'll say I'm sorry for the parts that were most certainly my fault, and I'll buy a punching bag. Then I just have to catch her before she wants to come out, and convince her to punch at something that is ready for it.