Despite my best intentions, I fail so miserably sometimes at being the wife I want to be. My ideal wife is soft-spoken and joyful, patient, kind and slow to anger. I was anything but her today.
I yelled, cried, threw angry comments, insulted, belittled and generally did my very best to make my husband feel bad.
Why did I do that? Something exploded in me and a compilation of stresses, that are not entirely tied to him, came pouring out in the ugliest display of wifeliness (I just made up that word).
I hate her! I hate the woman who comes roaring out from deep within me and I can do nothing to control her presence. I don't even have the blessing of multiple personalities, because if I did, I would at least be able to black out when that evil side of me arrives.
She's getting louder too. I don't know if the stress of our lifestyle has finally gotten the better of me, or if I am keenly aware that we are nearing that mid-life stage, or if I am feeling more and more helpless as our kids grow, but I am grasping at something...anything...that I can control.
And now I am feeling like I can't control her either! She arrived tonight...pretty much out of the blue. After a night of fatiguing dealings with our middle kid, I came downstairs and simply lit into my husband.
Note to self: He never has, didn't tonight, and probably never will be goaded into a fight.
I felt like punching something, or expending some bottled up energy, so instead I went for a sucker punch, and now I am downstairs by myself...self-loathing.
So, how can I possibly claim that I am Growing Through Marriage when what I did tonight did not resemble the behavior of a grown up?
I catalog this because it is indeed part of what being married looks like. I am grateful that it is not a regular part of our life, but I am not going to pretend that it is not a part of what it means to be married. I didn't fight fair tonight, and I intend to make the appropriate apologies and work even harder at resolving my emotional issues in a more productive manner. (crap-that didn't sound too genuine...way too clinical) I'll say I'm sorry for the parts that were most certainly my fault, and I'll buy a punching bag. Then I just have to catch her before she wants to come out, and convince her to punch at something that is ready for it.
We all have those moments. Don't let this evil twin who peeked her head out define who you are. I'm sure your husband didn't recognize her either.
ReplyDeleteChin up!!
Thanks Joy! I already feel a lot better this morning and my husband and I made our apologies. We have agreed that my evil twin is like an unwelcome houseguest and we have politely asked her to leave. Hopefully she isn't stubborn and rude.
ReplyDeleteHi Meagan. It certainly happens to the best of us. I watch women like Michelle Duggar, who is so soft spoken and always smiling, and I wonder what the secret is. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all fall short, but the good news is tomorrow is another day. You've had a lot on you lately. I know it's no excuse, but it's certainly understandable.
ReplyDelete**Big hugs**
I have been married to my fantastic husband for almost 12 years. As the years pass our relationship is sharpened and it deepens. One of my greatest revelations about myself occurred during a very difficult time. There were times I was simply awful to him and I couldn't justify or excuse it. The truth was I was insecure for a multitude of reasons. I became confused about his role in my life and made him my sole provider for happiness and security. So when he "failed" I lashed out. Once I realized that he was not responsible for my own self worth and sucess - I lightened up and became a true support to him - no strings attached. Be brutally honest but don't be too hard on yourself. Realize that those ugly moments are telling you something very significant about yourself. It may not be great - but it is significant. And lots of times, those bitter moments are pointing to a truth that is dying to reveal itself.
ReplyDeleteIt is the hard times, when we choose to deal with them realisticly that make us and our marriages better.
Forgive the bad grammer and misspellings. I should have stopped with all this blogging stuff HOURS ago! Good night.
cj
Oh girl I have an evil twin too! When I feel snarky or confrontational I do some yoga or take a run. Try not to beat yourself up about it, but recognize when your edgy before you blow up.
ReplyDelete