It Matters Not How YOU Define Marriage...

If you are not my husband, your definition of marriage is of little consequence to me. I might bend my ear to hear what you think, but in the end, what has any effect on my marriage is how my definition lines up with my husband's.

I recently asked him, as far away from context as I could (I waited until we were talking about sausages---NO, not those sausages!)

"Hey, I have a question for you, and I want you to say the first thing that pops into your head."

"Okay," he looked at me curiously.

"What is your definition of marriage?"

I love that he barely moved his gaze from mine.

He was somber when he listed, "Companionship. Friendship.  Someone being there through the hard times and good times.  Being there to listen."

I wrote it down, internally calculating how we were doing.  My definition was almost exactly what he had said...which is a good thing.  We both think that marriage should be a relationship built on friendship and propelled by commitment.

"How do you think we are doing...this time of year?" I pressed him.

"Horrible." He admitted.

He's right.  We can hardly call ourselves companions when I see him maybe ten hours in a week.  We are comfortable roommates during the summer months.  The difference between us, and other couples who find themselves regularly passing each other in the hallway, is that the current state of our relationship is temporary.  We will be close companions in a few months when we huddle in for the frigid Minnesota winter.

One of the questions on my marriage survey, distributed during my book research, asked about a definition of a successful marriage.  There were 173 responders to the survey, and there were 173 unique definitions.  The only way I could analyze the definitions was to take out the keywords and categorize them.  Two words won out for the most important things to remember in a marriage relationship.  RESPECT and COMMUNICATION.  Thankfully, no matter how often I see him, I can still wholeheartedly respect him, and we can maintain good communication, even if we talk for a few minutes at a time.

My husband and I will celebrate our twelfth anniversary this August.  Researchers have moved the seven-year itch to the twelfth-year turmoil and it's probably important to take stock again.  I'm so happy we are on the same page.  It is comforting to know that he is as frustrated, in the moment, as I am, but that we are both still moving in the same direction.

At church yesterday, the priest used a timely analogy.  He was talking about the Martha and Mary differences and whether it is better to serve or to be present.  He commented about how it is more about the state of your heart than it is about the choice you make.  The analogy he used was about marriage and  when the spouses are forced to conduct their lives apart (I'm not kidding...this is what he talked about). He explained hearts that stay true in separation is how our relationship with God should be. 

Our marriage definition... today...Friendship propelled by commitment with a goal of respect and open communication.  We can do that!

An Intent to Define Marriage

I was looking at my husband last night...in the dark...right after we had fallen into bed.  For a moment, I felt a question forming on my lips, "How would you define marriage?" I wanted to ask.  I heard the immediate heavy breathing that finds him so quickly this time of year, and I stopped myself from asking.  It's not a time for those philosophical discussions; the ones I love so much and that can last into the wee hours of the morning.  It was a wee hour of the morning. He had been working, and I had been hanging out with him...actually I should say I was hanging out "by" him.  But I laid for a while pondering how I define marriage. I fell asleep too quickly to come up with a good definition.  But when I woke up this morning...I kept thinking about it.

A definition of marriage, according to Bing, is:   a legally recognized relationship, established by a civil or religious ceremony, between two people who intend to live together as sexual and domestic partners.

Marriage is a noun.  It is not something you do, it is a state of being.  I find it interesting that in the above definition, the word "intend" is used.  Brilliant.  It is a marriage as long as there is intent.  As soon as a member of the couple no longer intends to be a sexual partner or to shack up domestically, the marriage is beginning to break.  We intend to be sexual partners...at a point in time when our three kids are not sleeping soundly at the other end of our room, and we also intend to re-establish our relationship as domestic partners.  So I guess we are in a marriage, by random online definition standards.  


The word "married" does not further my understanding of what our relationship is.  According to Bing, married is an adjective and it means, having a spouse. Great.  So yes, I guess I have one of those.  I am indeed a married woman.


My personal definition is still formulating, and my desire for more time to hash it out with my spouse is still there.  I will ask him in the next few days what his definition of marriage is, and I'll report back about his response.  Maybe by then I'll have a definition that more fully explains what I think about it too.  For now, I'll just intend to be his partner.

Cheating Men...The Uncivilized Choice

I recently read an article, Do All Men Cheat?, and I can't seem to shake my opinion about this one.  I thought I would vent a little here in a warm-up to my book-writing session today.

Anyone who follows my blogs, or my life, knows that I have a somewhat unique marital arrangement.  (more unique than most, I should say).  We spend weeks and even months away from each other, and even when we are living in the same place, we spend quite a bit of our time apart.  "That's a recipe for disaster..." I can hear the naysayers warning.  "How can he get enough if you are not with him?", and "Not getting enough leads to trouble!!"  I cannot seem to shake this part of the internal chatter spurred by the recent article. (written from the perspective of the mistress, mind you)

 There seems to be a movement excusing men from extra-marital activities, arguing that they simply have an insatiable desire for women, and one wife cannot satisfy their needs.  Monogamy is a construct of religion, but not the way that people would operate otherwise, I have heard people say.  I completely and wholeheartedly disagree.  Marriage is a social and religious construct, yes, but the effectiveness of its presence in society cannot be denied.  My opinion about marriage is personal, but there is some science behind my defense of monogamy.  Scientists have found that happily married women are the happiest kind of women there are.  Health, both mental and physical, are improved when men and women are committed to a monogamous relationship, and length of life and quality of life are both bi-products of monogamy.

I have no problem with men who know that they cannot keep their zippers zipped and who find life too boring without the thirty-one flavors...there is a place for you in the world.  My issue is with the men who agree to make a monogamous relationship work, and then cop out of their commitment  because they want a younger and firmer flavor.  It is not excusable man behavior, it is chicken.  It takes real work to keep things interesting, and although men may have picked vanilla and sometimes don't feel like vanilla, it is more manly  to dress it up with some flavorful toppings, and stick with what they promised to love.

My husband and I are human too, and we have our needs, most definitely, but we have both committed to one another, to this relationship and to our children, and miraculously we are disciplined enough to wait until we are back together.  Simply put, it matters not where we get our appetite, just that we come home to eat...that is what we promised to do!